Why I Won’t Make a Top-Ten List About Pastors’ Wives
Nowadays, there’s a Top-Ten list for everything. They’re easy to read and can sometimes even be helpful. I’ve heard them on Letterman, scanned them for health tips, and even perused the do’s and don’ts in ministry.
Recently, I read a revealing “what you should know about your pastor’s wife” article. It was creative, humorous, and I could relate. However, even though I’ve worn the title of “Pastor’s Wife” (or PW) for almost 25 years, I won’t create that list.
Here’s why.
First, we are all so very different. Some are career gals, some are stay-at-home types. There are those who are involved with their husbands in ministry. Others are called elsewhere, to be a light in the secular world with full-time careers. Many attempt to juggle both. A few play the organ, sing or direct choir, while others can’t carry a tune in a bucket.
Of course I realize there are many commonalities to being married to a minister. Life as a PW provides its own set of unique experiences in service to God and to the church. However, we shouldn’t be lumped together, assuming one is like the other simply because our husbands share a title.
And guess what? Each of us had a life of our own prior to our PW journey! We were raised in diverse homes and therefore differ in ways of conducting ourselves as women, wives and mothers. Some were raised in the church, others found Jesus much later.
The truth is each of us has a unique story to tell.
If you want to know your pastor’s wife better, go ahead and read what has been written about this topic, but I’d also advise you to get to know HER.
How? Sorry, I’m not going to give you a step-by-step prescription here either. Just find ways to get to know her. If she works, ask about her job. Inquire about her hobbies and interests.
Recently a gentleman in my church asked this question of me after worship, “So, what will you do the rest of your day?” I loved it! It made me feel like a person, not just a pastor’s wife. I didn’t go into great detail, but shared a few of the responsibilities still on my plate.
If your pastor’s wife has little children, conversation may be a bit more difficult for her. Consider this, a typical Sunday morning for a PW with PK’s begins long before the church bells ring. She is up before dawn to diaper, dress, and feed her brood – almost always alone. When you greet her, her smile may mean one of the following: “Whew! I made it before Junior blew out his diaper again! or “I hope I remembered deodorant.” or “Yea! There’s still an open seat in the back!”
Then the hour of tribulation begins. Though she treasures this time in the house of the Lord, she is very aware that many eyes upon her. After juggling children, Cheerios, and crayons that refuse to stay in little fingers, your words (and dare I also say – your looks) can be the difference between smiles or tears when her morning is done.
Let me be blunt. What she needs is your help, not your criticism.
When you show grace to her precious little people, you’re showing grace to her. Offering encouraging words and an extra pair of hands on a Sunday morning will go a long way and can lay a foundation for future trust and friendship.
If you’re a women and desire to get to know your pastor’s wife beyond the Sunday morning chit-chat, find an interest you have in common. Does she like coffee? Make a date at your local coffee shop. Maybe music is more to her liking, go to a concert. Find a connection and offer to do it together.
But I must warn you. Your pastor’s wife may not be exactly willing to share her story or even her time with you. Perhaps she’s been hurt in the past by a congregation or a church member (a common occurrence). Perhaps it’s her own personal story that necessitates caution.
Please don’t take offense and write her off as “distant.”
We’re not ogres. In fact, most of us genuinely like people, so there’s probably a good reason why she hesitates. In that case, simply offer kindness and respect. And be patient.
If she’s new to your church, give her the time and space she needs to get settled and feel comfortable in a new environment. Don’t expect her to be like your last pastor’s wife. She doesn’t have the same passions, skills, or interests. So why should she be expected to pick up where the last one left off?
Find ways to get to know her slowly then when the opportunity arises, share your heart and your story. If you demonstrate your trust in her, she may in time, open her heart to you.
Then again, she may not. That’s okay. Remember, she is married to the pastor. Not only does she have an obligation to protect him, she, like any mother-bear, wants to protect her family. Depending on her history, she will be very careful about what personal information she will share. If your intentions are sincere, you will respect her need for privacy.
Please also respect the fact that she cannot be everyone’s BFF.
Can I tell you a little secret? I know very few pastors’ wives who have true “best friends” in the church. We’re a leery lot as we’ve been burned too many times. Not that good friendships cannot happen and they can be a great blessing! But it’s rare. So keep your expectations realistic and your motivations pure.
Most importantly, whether you develop a relationship with her or not, please pray for her. That is the one piece of advice I can give you no matter who your pastor’s wife is.
Pray for her relationship with God that she will know Him deeply and cling to Him. Pray for her marriage, and if they have children, for her family – for her role as wife and mother. Pray for her calling, whether it is within the church or in the world. Then let her know that she is in your prayers and ask how you can pray for her. If you show your pastor’s wife this kind of unconditional, Spirit-led, no-strings-attached love, who knows, you just might find a friend.
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34 Comments
Shirley ellul
Love your article. I would pay for it to be printed and mailed to every elder and congregational president.
gretchen.huesmann@gmail.com
Thanks, Shirley. I read your comment to my husband and he laughed out loud! Not a bad idea…..
Barbara Albers
Amen and amen 🙂 !!!
Karen Mascaro
The wives of Pastors aren’t perfect, just forgiven like the rest of us. Putting them under the microscope serves no-one, especially your Pastor’s wife! Love and honor them as you would anyone else who is a Christian. My Mom always said that we were put on this earth to help each other, and that means everyone!
gretchen.huesmann@gmail.com
Agreed! We all need to treat each other with a little more grace!
Wendy Ford
Thanks for this article . My husband is an ordained minister, I could say a lot but since this is fairly public, I will keep my thoughts about my experience as the wife of a Pastor to myself .
Barbara Albers
I understand. OOOs
Ruth Grassel
So much of this is right on the money. I wish I had an outlet as a young pastor’s wife. It’s such a lonely role much of the time…we so need to offer grace and quiet support. I have learned, the hard way, how to treat the younger wives on staff as I was once one and have never forgotten the realities for a young wife and mother. I will Never treat a young woman the way a senior pastor’s wife once treated me. God, please teach us how to truly love and pray for our pastor’s wives. ♡
gretchen.huesmann@gmail.com
Amen! And yes, we can learn much from our past pain. Maybe she has as well…
Barbara Albers
Ouch! = OOs I wish that I didn’t understand your post, but I do.
Jo somerville
Excellent article. Every woman should read this. Gives a wonderful perspective on a worthy subject
Heather
Thank you for this article. I have been a PW for about 6 years now. It is very hard feeling constantly watched and unable to talk to people about things going on in my own life.
Barbara Albers
I’m the mate also of an o.m. and I still hear the comment “…and YOU’re a pastors wife!” [I’m almost 80 and live in a senior living situation. = now I can smile and even think of a snappy response out loud as well as privately for my own amusement. OOs to you.
gretchen.huesmann@gmail.com
Thank you, Ladies! You humble me by your kind words. It has been interesting that this article has struck such a nerve among those who are PW’s, but church members overall have been silent, here and on Facebook. Perhaps the Holy Spirit is doing His work in their hearts. I do believe we can all learn to love and respect one another in and out of the church.
Christen
As a non pw who is very close to a couple, while there were a few things I truly benefitted from hearing like realizing pw are people with their own problems too, a lot of things in this article rubbed me the wrong way. That may explain much of the silence. I don’t see how any backround should be seen as a license to be cold. Even if you have details to hide there are basic conversational skills that allow you to be very warm and approachable without giving dirty details. While there are surely bad apples in every church there are surely good apples in every church so why exactly would a genuine relationship be basically impossible to find? Use your discretion to find the good apples and keep safe distance from bad ones just like anyone else. My pastor’s wife is an incredibly genuine and warm person even though she certainly has expectations on her and a family to protect as well. And while I understand not every pw is called to full time ministry, every wife should have a solid interest and supportiveness for the calling of her husband and should share in it to some degree. And finally,with great power comes great responsibility. Its a priviledge to have a platform through which you can show Christ love from a leadership position. In the book of Mathew, right as Jesus wanted to be alone to mourn the death of John the Baptist, crowds came after him. He did not turn them away but healed every one of them despite his personal pain. Thats the job of every Christian to strive for, no matter how much they’ve been burned.
JA
Wow! You must have had a bad experience with a PW at some point. PW’s don’t have any special training either in interpersonal skills or in ministry. You have a lot of “expectations” for a PW, which is part of the problem that we have. It is very difficult to know who you can trust, as many of us have thought we found a “good apple” only later to be betrayed and have it cause a major problem not just for ourselves, but for the ministry. Who among us wants to be the possible cause of a problem for the church of Christ? Non PW’s generally only have to worry about their own emotions or issues, not the whole ministry or church. You say “not every PW is called to full time ministry…” none of us are called into ministry – our husbands are, not us! We participate in the ministry (where gifted and able) but we are not the ones called! You say “every wife SHOULD” do this and that – No more than any other Christian member of the congregation I say. Then you say “with great power comes great responsibility”. What power? A PW has no more “power” in the church than any other member – in fact, sometimes less. She can be ignored when she has an opinion because people believe she must be biased being married to the pastor, etc. smh
Jen
Your comment hurt me, so I will pray for you and for me and endeavor to explain what I believe the author intended in a few of the things that rubbed you the wrong way.
I am a PW, and I have been described as “cold.” This is not because I am cold; I care deeply about the people in our churches. But I don’t have tons of conversation flowing from my lips all the time. I think about what I say before I say it, and I can give you Bible verses to back me up in that. Unfortunately, on a Sunday morning, between chasing after my littles, cleaning up our messes, and preparing to teach Sunday School or preparing to run off to our other congregation to worship with them or teach Sunday School there, that doesn’t always leave me a lot of time to say anything. People have taken offense to the fact that I can’t stand and have a ten minute conversation with them after the service. This isn’t because I don’t want to; it’s because my son will have eaten every popsicle in the drawer freezer in those ten minutes.
We have good people in our congregations. We have had good people who have turned on my husband unexpectedly and twisted conversations. We are called and expected to have genuine relationships with each member; developing a close friendship with some is something we are careful about because it can be hurtful to those we have not drawn as close to.
Overall, though, a pastor’s wife is not ordained. Her vocation is to her family first, and absolutely to the congregation — but as you note in your last sentence, her responsibility to the people her husband serves is the same as any other member of the congregation, so I hope you hold yourself to the same standards you are applying to pastors’ wives.
Barbara Albers
Perhaps …situations vary, but I would also caution you to pray and be cautious about who you trust.
Janet
This article brought tears to my eyes. Not only because it shows such love for those women who happen to have fallen in love with men God has called into public ministry, but because it also seems to have been written for me. For 27 years I’ve heard members say that I’m not like any pastor’s wife they’ve known. It’s not meant in a mean way but I always wondered what it did mean. And not only do we not have BFF’s in the church, we often don’t even have BFF’s in other churches due to comparisons or theological differences between our husbands. Being in the public ministry is truly a lonely, even though very people centered, career. We definitely need prayers and love! Thanks for your thoughts, Gretchen.
gretchen.huesmann@gmail.com
Thank you for sharing your heart, Janet. Friendships in ministry is one of those complicated issues that will always touch a nerve. I’d encourage you to continue to ask God to provide friends you and your husband can feel comfortable with. We need each other!!
Vee
I am happy you posted this. I am not a pastor’s wife. I have always wondered what it must be like to live under a microscope, with everyone watching your every move, judging. All I can say is God must choose very special women to fill that position, because I’m not certain I would be able to show the necessary grace to endure peoples judgements about my children and husband. Say what you will about me, but it is hurtful when our husbands are not appreciated for their hard work and dedication, no matter their profession. Why, oh why does our society expect more from a pastor’s kid than any other. I am perfectly aware that pastors and their families are HUMAN. They make mistakes. They have struggles. They need our prayers. I have loved every pastor who has served a congregation in which I have sat. I may not have always agreed with them, but that’s okay. As my pastor, I show them respect, loyalty, and support. My prayers are always for God’s annointing, direction, and strength. My prayer for you wonderful women who share their home is the same. You are special people and I thank you for your service! God bless you richly for your devotion to his calling.
Aileen Kageyama
What a wonderful article. I have not seen too many articles on being a wife of a pastor and I have been a pw for over 44 years and am still considered a pw. It is a difficult role, and definitely a calling.
Bob Tattrie
Excellent article. I have been a pastor for 35 years. (I was married before I became a pastor. My wife said she would never marry a pastor. Her dad was one.)
I just might forward it on to my church board.
Elizabeth Westbrook
I loved your article. I am now on the retired side of being a pastor’s wife…of almost 50 years. I can honestly say that my experiences have been mostly positive. We were blessed to be appointed to very supportive churches…except one. Prior to my husband’s entering full time ministry, I went through some counseling. It helped me know who I was and gave me a sense of security. A gazillion years ago, I went to a seminar for preacher’s wives. I don’t remember where it was or who spoke but I do remember hearing this…”don’t let people should on you”. I had a member inform me that God had told him that, since I sew, I should be in charge of making banners. I struggled with that for awhile but did not have any feeling that I was suppose to do that. Rather than continue to struggle, I went back to him and told him he should seek the Lord more about who was suppose to do that because I thought he had misunderstood God. Guess what???? There was a lady that was really wanting to do that job and made some of the most beautiful banners that I have ever seen. We went to a church many years ago. The first morning we were there the church treasurer came to take us to breakfast. He informed me that the previous pastor’s wife taught the children’s Sunday School. I calmly said, “I don’t teach Sunday School.” Several time during the time we were together, he made the same comment. I did not take offense, nor did I let him coerce me into teaching SS. We were there four wonderful years. I did many things to help in the church but teaching SS wasn’t one of them. For those of you who are still in the trenches, do what makes you feel comfortable. Many years ago my husband started “encouraging” me to do things in the church that I did not feel comfortable doing. I told him that he and our children were my ministry. Love the Lord, love your husband, love your children, and love yourself.
Cherrilynn
Wonderful article, When I speak I always encourage the ladies to pray for the pastor and his wife. I pray for many pastors and their families. It is so vital. Thank you for posting this article. I must share.
Toni
Thank you for this article! It’s so very true! I’ve been a Pastor’s wife for just over 4 years, and have felt the sting of jealousy, criticism of both my husband and me, and of betrayal by church members. It’s difficult to worship at times, knowing eyes are on me. I too, have no one I can confide in, or a BFF to go do things with and just be myself. It’s a lonely place to be. Prayers for us would be so welcomed!!
gretchen.huesmann@gmail.com
Toni, I hear and feel your pain. I would encourage you to continue to ask God for a friend with whom you can confide. Perhaps outside of the church? Or another pastor’s wife? They are rare, but a treasure worth hunting (praying) for!
The hurt PW
Gretchen, I feel like you put into words what has been on my heart for quite some time now. I’ve been a PW for about 11 years, and let me tell you it hasn’t all been roses! ! I wish that every single member of every church EVERYWHERE could read your article. It should be a pre requisite upon entering the church building :)!! I’m glad you wrote that a lot of PW have been hurt in the past and may not be so willing to open up to others at first, or at all. I probably lie in this category. I don’t want people to think I’m a snot, but at the same time many women have selfish motives for wanting to become “friends” with the PW. I truly long for a good friend that I can be myself around, one that I don’t have to walk on egg shells around, one that I can say “freaking” to and not get a wide eye balls response. We are people too!! We get angry, sad, frustrated, just like EVERY other woman. I’m so thankful that you have put into writing how WE feel. It’s not an easy task being the PW, it can be a heavy burden to bear sometimes. But anyways, thanks again. I hope all who read your article learn how to offer grace to their PW.
gretchen.huesmann@gmail.com
Thanks for your comment! Don’t loose hope! Keep praying God will send that friend into your life that you can be “real” with. In the meantime, don’t forget that none of us are perfect. I let down my girlfriends and give them wide-eye balls all the time! (Love that word picture!) I need their grace and forgiveness, too, because as you said, “we are people, too.”
Carrie
I love this!! I am not a pastor’s wife, but have overheard conversations one too many times about the way people feel about the pastor’s wife when she’s been too busy to speak! People get their feelings hurt so easily because we view church with the wrong perspective! Church is not (or shouldn’t be) a social club! We are not called to be comfortable or to be the center of attention! Our speech should be spirit lead! Maybe if we as church members came in focused on the will of God our pastor’s wives wouldn’t feel this way!
Robin Reusch
I could never see myself as a Pastors wife. I didn’t ” fit the bill”‘ but 15 years later thats what the ladies say they love about me.. I ‘m
Not typical. I’m real. Flaws and all ! I thank my mentor Carmen Lilley who has since passed, to show me what living for Christ in h
The hurt PW
Since you are not a PW you really can’t say how women who are should act, or feel. It can be an incredibly lonely place being the PW, and unless you’ve experienced that for yourself please don’t judge. Is it possible that the article rubbed you the wrong way because you have been one of the church ladies to judge your PW or her family in the past? While I agree with you that PW should be supportive of her husband’s ministry; many PW have their own full time careers that they are invested in. Remember, it’s 2015 not 1950… women today do it all, raise their family, work full time, plus cook meals, volunteer at church amongst other places, and are expected to do it all while still looking beautiful. I don’t think Gretchen gave any PW a license to be cold or ungodly; she simply wanted to write an article that would give church members an inside scoop on how life can feel as a PW. Also, you mentioned Jesus in the book of Matthew; all Christian people should strive to be like Jesus, not just pastors and their families. We are normal, real people, with real problems just like everyone else. We would be hypocrites if we said we didn’t have our own struggles…may God bless you and any other church member that reads this article and gets a little offended by what you’ve read. Hopefully the more you think about it the more understanding you’ll be in the future; )
The hurt PW
My comments were in response to Christen..
Clarice
This article really puts a few things into perspective for me. I’m a brand new PW of 2 years, and a new mother of a toddler. My husband has a budding ministry. He has been in ministry for about 10 years but was instructed to start a mountain only a few years ago by the Holy Spirit. Being a PW is indeed a very lonely journey. You can’t afford to make friends anyhow within the church because of the pedestal some church members hold you in, among other shenanigans. what I have come to realize is that as a PW your best bet at being your most effective is to be yourself. People will judge, criticize, expect you to be flawless, warm and welcoming at all times with no bad days at all. I say that is the expectation of a robot! As human beings with very different callings from everyone else, you JUST have to be yourself, when people do get bold enough to say rude things to your face, you handle it like the gracious woman of God you are and keep it moving. A PW your duty is to Love God, obey his commands, support your husband, and love your family no matter how dysfunctional they maybe in comparison to other families in ministry.. I don’t know how many of you have seen that movie “the preacher’s son” on netflix, but I can so very much relate to the mother, especially in the scene where she stood up to her son’s stubborn ex “mistress”….