So You Want to Be A Pastor’s Wife – Part Two

Years ago I discovered an old book, written in 1956, called “How to be a Preacher’s Wife and Like It”¹ written by Lora Lee Parrott. The book begins,

“To marry a successful preacher has been the secret ambition of many fine Christian young ladies.”

Ha! I snickered, “Not me!”

In fact, when I first met my husband-to-be, I knew he was studying to be a pastor, so I told him plainly, “I’ll NEVER be a pastor’s wife!”

We were married two years later.

Why was I so resistant? Maybe it was because of the pressure that used to be placed upon the wife of the pastor. Listen to what else Lora Lee Parrott shares in her book of old.

 “Pastors’ wives who served a generation ago have told many interesting stories of neighbors whose business it was to count the number of towels and sheets on the Monday morning wash line or to clock the time when the parsonage mistress made her daily trek to the market. In the small community of the 1900’s the pastor’s wife never made any major move about the community without being watched.” (p. 28-29)

Wow. Now that’s living in a fish-bowl!

And if your fish-bowl was owned by the church, she advised:

“Be it ever so humble, your parsonage can be clean. Keeping the woodwork and windows clean, the furniture in order and the toys picked up is a matter of bodily exercise, which the Apostle Paul says is profitable.”

Nothing like a pinch of Scripture to sweeten the guilt!

Oh, but she’s not done!

“The habitual appearance of dirty dishes in the midst of an unkempt kitchen is inexcusable.” (p.44)

Uh, oh. I’m toast.

Let me be clear. I mean NO DISRESPECT to our former first ladies of the church. In fact, it was my own sweet mother, a pastor’s wife herself, who shared this book with me.  I soak up her words of wisdom like a sponge. We can learn so much from our mentors AND those who have gone before us, such as Mrs. Parrott.

In last month’s blog I shared a few thoughts from 21 first century wives of ministers.  We covered several areas including Your Husband, Your Family, Your Friends, and Your Church. You can read that one here.

I promised two more topics this month and I saved the best for last – YOU and YOUR GOD.

I’ll also end this blog with a little more advice from Lora Lee Parrott – you won’t want to miss those!

As before, the italicized words are direct quotes from other women, with a few thoughts of my own scattered about.

You

I would love to sit down with you and a good cup of coffee (preferably French pressed) with plenty of creamer.  If I could, I’d say, “So, tell me about yourself. What do you like to do, where do you like to go, who do you hang out with?”

I’d really love to get to know YOU. Because even though, reader, you might be married to a pastor, there’s so much more to YOU than that.  There’s so much more to ME than that.

In fact, when I first meet new people, I try to avoid mentioning I’m married to a minister, at least for a little while. Just because… well… some folks unintentionally jump to conclusions about us and I just really want them to know me before they know what my husband does.

The same is true in the church. When my husband has been called to a new congregation, I’m tempted (but have never dared) to declare, “Hi. I’m Gretchen. I’m not your former pastor’s wife. I didn’t know her, so don’t expect me to be like her. She had gifts I don’t have. I have gifts she didn’t have. Can we get to know each other from scratch, please?”

Rant over. Let’s move on to the women with wiser words.

If there was one piece of advice I heard over and over in my poll it was these two simple words shared by Connie B., “Be yourself.”

Did you see that?

Be. YOURSELF.

“Find things that make you, YOU,” suggests Marifaith M. “whether it’s a job, a hobby, volunteering, etc.”

Indeed, after serving in several congregations, I can add that my role changed drastically in each setting. Sometimes I led a women’s Bible study, sometimes I didn’t. In one church I started a MOPS group and sang in the choir. In the next, I did neither.

“Find where YOU feel called to serve God in the church, not where others expect you to serve,” Michelle R. adds.

“You are valuable, precious, and beautiful,” Rebeka C. reminds us. “You are important and you matter. Spend time with your Father daily to “see” His will for you and the people He has brought into your life. He shares the work that is solely yours.”

She goes on, “You are not perfect, (so) apologize when necessary. You are still a daughter of the King even when you err. Live into the calling He has for you. Offer grace freely, remembering the grace offered to you.”

Kim K. also advises, “Develop thick skin.”  Mmm…yes, oh yes.

And “Take your hurts to the Father. Allow Him to transform and restore you. It can be painful, but beautiful, too.” says Rebeka C.

Finally, one more on this topic from Raquel Y., “{Don’t} expect every member to know or one day realize how wonderful you are. No matter how hard you try, some people will never get you.”

Your God

But God gets you.

Oh, how He gets you!! Before you were a pastor’s wife, before you were a wife, mother, (or whatever roles you juggle), you were a girl, His girl, His precious creation.

“Remember the gospel is for you, too.” says Emily C., “Make time to be a child, sitting in your Father’s lap.”

Vickie E. urges, “Be persistent in coming before the Lord and His word daily. When your relationship with the Lord is strong, God empowers you to deal with any situation more positively.”

Indeed, it’s the true secret to survival.

“Know that when things are going great in ministry, Satan will attack,” Dacia R. warns, “and it may come from an unexpected place.”

Stacy T. suggests, “Spend time in prayer…for your spouse, your family, and your church family.” Joyce M. concurs,” “Be in the word daily-it will give you strength and comfort to handle the glitches that arise.” Kim K. agrees, “Pray for your husband, your family and the church. Every day.”

Every day. Every day. Every day.

Abide in Him. That’s the key.

Your whole life was His idea anyway, whether it was your girl-hood desire to be a pastor’s wife or if you were like me and said, “I’ll NEVER be….”    we have to remember, He calls us to this role, this life. People may expect a lot from you, but God, our Father, is the main Person to whom we are accountable. Stay close to Him and you’ll make it.

If you are married to a pastor or are just curious to know more about our life, I hope you received some insight from the last two blogs I’ve shared.

Thanks again to all the ladies (from a private Facebook group) who shared their wonderful words of wisdom with us!!

Finally, before I close, I promised to share a few more gems from “How to be a Preacher’s Wife and Like it.” I have no idea weather this author is still with us or celebrating in Jesus’ presence, but I am grateful to her for this peek into the past. I hope these last few pieces of advice from her make you smile and be thankful we’re living in a new century!

 How we should dress:

 “The pastor and his wife should be among the quietly dressed, non-spectacular men and women who form the backbone of the community. Begin with a well-tailored dress or suit of black, dark blue or gray. Stay away from striking colors or extreme styles. A conservative handbag with matching shoes is always an asset. The shoes should not be toe-less or heel-less. If you live in the city gloves are generally the accepted mode. To complete your ensemble, a flattering hat should be added.” (pp.86-87)

In the matter of parenting (pay special attention to the final phrase):

“See that your youngsters get to bed at night. Taking small youngsters to night meetings and keeping them from their regular bedtime is nothing short of cruelty. If you cannot afford baby sitters or if congregational criticism is involved and you must take children to night meetings, make it your business to coach hour husband in the difficult skill of being brief.” (p.49)

When using the telephone:

“The proper greeting on the telephone is “Hello,” with a smile in your voice. If your church pays the telephone bill, it is important for you to be careful concerning long distance telephone messages. It is always good to write down a list of the things you want to talk about. It will help you get more for your money. I know of one district superintendent who keeps a three-minute egg timer on the telephone desk and all long distance calls are timed accordingly.” (p.89)

One for my husband who has a lead foot (Love you, Hon!)

“The pastor’s family should take precautions to avoid traffic tickets, especially in small towns. It is poor publicity for the church if its pastor or pastor’s wife is reported in the newspaper for traffic violations.” (p.91)

A final serious word from Lora Lee Parrot:

“Laymen have a standard of perfection for the pastor’s wife. She needs to be neat, wise, happy, frugal, deft, strong, feminine, spiritual, etc. But after all, what really does it matter? Handling criticism is just of one of the occupational hazards of the pastor’s wife. Keep honest with yourself, humble in the sight of God and let the criticisms fall where they will. Even in the situations where the most unusual criticism is brought to bear, just remember, “If God be for us, who can be against us?” (p.27)

Indeed!!  By the grace of God, we can survive the life of being a Pastor’s wife!

¹ Parrott, Lora lee, How to be a Preacher’s Wife and Like It, Grand Rapids, Zondervan Publishing House, 1956.

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Gretchen Huesmann

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