So You Want to Be a Pastor’s Wife – Part One

There’s been a buzz on my Facebook news feed recently, the excitement of new beginnings as friends and family

graduate from high school, college and other schools of higher learning. 

Twenty-five years ago, we felt the same thrill as my husband wrapped up his last year of Seminary and we were sent off to the West to begin a life in ministry!

Mingling emotions of RELIEF (completing school), EXCITEMENT (our first assignment!), and WONDER (are we ready?) filled our being.  My brand-new husband, well aware of my reluctance to be a pastor’s wife (we’ll save that for another blog), assured me, “Honey, it may not always be easy, but I promise, we’re going to see the world and have a wild ride together!” Though he was right on target, I personally couldn’t have predicted what a roller coaster ride it would be. Don’t we all say, “If only I knew then what I know now”?

Recently I asked a group of fellow PW’s (Pastor’s Wives) to share one piece of advice they’d give a woman just beginning the journey.  A flood of suggestions, advice, and warnings poured in and I’d like to share some of them with you.  It was easy to see the reoccurring themes, so I’ve grouped them accordingly.

Please note, the responses from other pastors’ wives are italicized and do not necessarily reflect the feelings of this author. I have tried to include a wide range of insights in addition to a few of my own.

Your Man

From Sarah A., “Your first job is to support your husband.” Jennifer B. agrees,“Remember that your first priority should be to be your husband’s wife. (Underlining mine) Make your home a happy one, where his joys and sorrows in the ministry can be shared.”  Jodi N. adds, “Enjoy being your husband’s wife. You married him. He happens to be a pastor, but focus first on the covenant you made with your husband.”

I smiled as I read Stephanie L.’s suggestion: “Make him look good!”

Virginia V. also makes this point, “Don’t be afraid to show your husband affection in front of them (the congregation) either. A quick hug. A quick peck. Like your children, the congregation needs to know the two of you are happy together.”

My husband still enjoys shaking hands as people leave our church. When I get to him, I usually get a hug and am often lovingly teased about my “special treatment” by those around me.

Raquel Y. offers this sound advice: “Don’t hang on too tightly emotionally to your husband and his time. This is definitely not an 8-5 job. Enjoy whatever your situation is – family time or dinner and an evening by yourself – or you and the kids alone – to the best of your ability…. the last thing you need to do is get upset because he is not there. Your peace and joy will make his ministry better because he is not worried about you. Don’t add to his load.”

Sound advice Raquel! Let me give you an example. When we were first married, I continued the old practice of making a nice noon meal on Sundays. You remember, ham dinner or pot roast (if we could afford it) and potatoes and everything! After the children came along, this got increasingly difficult. We’d all came home from church tired and hungry (and frazzled) and forever waiting, waiting, waiting on my husband. The last thing on Sundays was the Sunday School hour and each week someone would detain him with questions, concerns, or whatever. You get the picture – kids impatient for lunch, me impatient with hubby – and resenting all the delays.

Until one day it hit me! Who cares about traditional Sunday meals!? Peanut butter and jelly works just the same and is more appreciated anyway (at least by the children.) And I began to make larger Saturday night meals with plenty of leftovers for my very hungry and tired pastor-husband for Sunday noon lunch. A change in attitude + a change in menu = problem solved.

We’ll conclude this section with Heidi P.’s good word for us, “Seeing your husband administer the sacraments, preach faithfully, and walk with families through their most difficult moments is a huge blessing. Who other than a pastor’s wife gets to know her husband is giving people Jesus?” Thank you, Heidi, for reminding us of the JOYS in ministry!

 Your Family

We’ll begin this precious topic with Dacia R. “You are the only wife and mother that your family has. The church has a lot of other people to do the tasks.”

Kim L. also reminds us, “Don’t be afraid to say “no.” If you are needed at home, then be at home. Babies grow up and leave the nest. If the children feel that church is more important than they are, they will grow up resenting the church. I also told my children, when they asked where dad is, “He is at work.” My reasoning was other children hear the same thing. I wanted the word “church” to leave a good feeling – a place to worship, learn about Jesus and hang out with friends.”

If you are a parent, you are well aware that “You are the only parent in the pew,” writes Jodi N. “So bring up your children in the way they should go. This may involve saying no to things because you are the parent that needs to raise your children in the church. Your husband is busy on Sunday mornings.”

And speaking of children in the pews…. if you are a mother with little ones, please hear me on this one, DO NOT beat yourself up for your children’s behavior in church. Take it from someone who weekly wrestled four  kids alone. Remember why you are there, to worship Jesus and to train up your children, but please embrace reasonable expectations – yes, I used the nursery! My children were way too noisy and active to handle alone in the pew. There is no shame in putting the babies in the nursery so you can handle the toddlers. The babies don’t know the difference. If you’re still not convinced and insist they all sit with you, (or perhaps you have no nursery option) then seek help from some of the members of the church. Many really do want to help you and would jump at the chance to hold your baby!

On a brighter note, Kim K. suggests, “Find new ways to celebrate family, especially if you moved away from family.” Indeed, living 2000 miles away from grandparents, we could not celebrate birthdays and holidays in the traditional way, so we created our own traditions. I suggest you let the children help create those new practices!

Friendships

This topic is often one for debate among PW’s as addressed in one of my earlier blogs, Why I Won’t Make a Top-Ten List about Pastors’ Wives. Frankly, it can be a touchy subject depending on who you’re talking to. However, God has wired us for relationship. He created man and woman to be in relationship with Him, and for us to be in relationship with each other. We need friendships!

However, friendships in the church are difficult to cultivate, maintain, and are sometimes misunderstood by other members. Additionally, the minister’s family struggles to be approachable and relational while still maintaining some semblance of privacy. You will see what I mean the in some of the following responses:

Megan K. advises, “Be friendly with everyone without having a best friend.”

K. S. also warns, “Don’t become friends with the first people who want to befriend you.” Kim L. concurs, “A senior pastor told us, ‘never trust the first people who meet you at the door of a new call.’” She adds, “It is sad, but so true.”

Instead, Virginia V. suggests, “Make as many friends outside the church as you can.” Shawn K. agrees, “Find a friend (a good friend) outside of your congregation. It may take a while but be open.”

Cheri M. recommends, “Get to know the gals in your circuit.”

And I’ll simply add, pray for a good friend, God will lead you and meet your needs. Seek supportive friendships wherever you are. There are so many different “levels” of friendship. My husband is my best friend, second only to Jesus. As far as friends in the congregation?  Well, let’s just move on to that  topic next.

The Congregation

When it comes to those we serve and we worship with, here are some insightful reactions.

“Learn to kid around with your congregation and your husband in front of them,” suggests Virginia V., “it sucks the poison out of a lot of situations.”

Tasha R.’s response is honest from the start. “Don’t go into it (ministry) thinking it’s somehow a different sort of job. You would experience gossip in a church regardless of your husband being a pastor. In many circles of friends, people betray trust. Your husband could be heavy laden in many professions.”

Kim K. responded in a similar vein, “Love the congregation like family. But remember they are sinful people just like you.”

Megan D. adds, “Out love them and outlive them.”

Angie S. recommends, “Don’t take it personally…the church is made up of sinful people, but thankfully, we are all forgiven through Christ.” Angie also suggests a good read, Antagonists in the Church by Ken Haugk. “This book will prepare you better than any Seminary class will!” she adds.

Kyra W. shares her heart, “Here’s something I’m just learning about myself 8 years into ministry. It seems like the closer I am to the people in the congregation and the more I care about them and their families, the more I desire Pastoral care for them during tough times and I willingly give up time with my hubby [so that he can} care for them. The more distanced I am from people, or the less I know or care for them, the more bitter I am when we have to give up my hubby to “handle their drama.” ALL of my brothers and sisters in Christ deserve Pastoral care, not just the ones I like or are kind to me. So get to know them. For real.”

Wise words, Kyra, and I will also add that after 25 years of ministry, and many ups and downs, the bottom line is to love as Christ loved. That means EVERYONE. Yes, some may hurt you. Love anyway. Some may betray you. Love anyway. He did. Jesus knew just who would stick it out with Him and who would deny and betray Him. He loved them all. I’ve learned to love with my eyes wide open, knowing full well that this one or that one may leave our church, may gossip about me at the next turn, or decide my privacy is not their top priority.  Jesus decided ALL were worth it. Why shouldn’t I? (I feel another blog coming on so I’ll stop for now.)

But I just can’t close this portion without sharing this gem:

“Treat the congregation the way you want them to treat your kids.”

Whoa! Ponder that one for a little while!! Thanks Karen C. for that insight.

Whew! If you’ve read this far, all I can say is thanks!  This blog is already way too long, but there are two more important areas of advice that were shared – thoughts about You (as a person and Pastor’s wife) and Your God (your spiritual life).

Watch for those to be covered in June as I continue this theme “So you Want to be a Pastor’s Wife – Part Two.”

As always, I’d love to hear from you! Do you agree with some of these statements? Have any of your own to add? Maybe you’re not a PW but read this out of curiosity…. what are your opinions?  Share in the comments section!

Finally, I want to say a huge “THANK YOU!” to the many pastor’s wives who contributed to this article! Thank you for trusting me with your thoughts and feelings!

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Gretchen Huesmann

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