Dear Young Friend Whose Parent Has Cancer

Dear Young Friend Whose Parent has Cancer,

You’ve been in my mind and on my heart for so long now, I had to write out my thoughts or I would burst.

You see, I once was you. I felt your fear, cried your tears. I was that kid whose parent had cancer. And though I cannot begin to understand ALL you’re going through, there are a few things I want you to know.

First, it’s not your fault. For some reason as kids, we often think when bad things happen, we are in some way responsible. I know I did. I thought I did something wrong or at least wondered if I could have prevented it. Of course, I didn’t admit that to anyone. So, I needlessly suffered in silence with guilt. I remember one time when my dad was sick he asked me for some canned juice we kept in our cupboard (yeah, that was a thing). On the way to the kitchen I heard him say, “Be sure to wipe off the top of the can before you open it…you just never know.” I stopped in my tracks. Did he think the dust caused the cancer? Did I not wipe the last one down? Hey, it was the 70’s! We just didn’t know!

It also was Lent, a season of the church when we focus our hearts and minds on the sufferings of Christ and ultimate death for our sins. That year my birthday landed on Good Friday. Somehow in my young mind I decided, I must have sinned in some way that caused the cancer. Of course, I never admitted my confusion and guilt. But it was there. And now I know it was all a boldface LIE of the enemy. And I want you to know that truth as well. You are in no way responsible for your parent’s cancer. You didn’t do anything to cause it and you could not have prevented it.

And here’s another truth: it’s not God’s fault either. If you know anything about God, you know He is all-knowing and all-powerful! And you’ve also probably heard the verse “All things are possible with God.” (Matthew 19:26) You might be wondering, why is your parent still sick? If God can take it away, why hasn’t He? First, please know the ‘why’ question is super common. EVERYONE wants to know why. Also, know this: God IS all powerful and CAN heal. But He didn’t cause the cancer. Illness and death are a result of sin that entered our world way back when Adam and Eve fell for another LIE and ate the forbidden fruit. (Genesis 3).

“Great,” you might be thinking, “So God didn’t cause cancer, but why hasn’t he stopped it? After all, Jesus healed TONS of people! Why not my parent?” Yeah, I know. I’ve been there. In our quest for a reason why this bad thing has happened to your family, it’s tempting to point fingers at the One who could stop it. To be perfectly honest, I don’t have an answer for you. I wish I did. That’s my personal life-long question I plan to ask God as soon as I see Him face to face. But I do know this: “In all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28). In other words, God can and does take the yuck in this life – including sickness – and use it for good. That’s not much comfort to you right now, perhaps, and that’s okay.

And if you’re mad at God, that’s okay too. He knows. And He can take it. It really doesn’t change how He feels about you. Just keep talking to Him. Which reminds me of another point.

YOU ARE LOVED. Even though lots of money and time may be spent trying to save your parent, you are not forgotten. As kids, we kind of think the world should revolve around us and our needs. Our parents take such good care of us, we learn to expect it. And when that kind of attention is interrupted, we can feel abandoned, unloved, lost. Long after my dad died, I still wondered about my family’s love. Later of course I realized this was another LIE. The devil took advantage of my insecurities and my pain, and led me to believe I was alone.

Dear friend, you are precious and you are not alone! You are loved by your parents, your family, and especially by the God who made you.

Not only that, but He has amazing plans for you, no matter what the outcome of your parent’s illness. I hope and pray your parent is a part of your future, but if not, you’re going to be okay. God has been with you since before you were born, He is with you as you face this rough road and He promises to be with you in the future as well.

I am living proof of that. This past March my siblings and I realized that it had been 40 years since we said good-bye to our dad. As I write this it feels like yesterday. But I know that each day that has passed is one-day closer to our reunion in Heaven, one-day closer to when “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain.” (Revelation 21:4).

So live on, dear friend. Pray hard, dear friend. And be aware of the enemy’s lies. Know that God is still God and you are deeply loved.